What I Know Now
by JadziaKathryn
Summary: Kathryn tells Miral what she learned in the Delta Quadrant.


Disclaimer: If I owned them, Seven wouldn't wear a catsuit.

Author's Notes: The challenge for me with this story was to strike a balance between older and wiser, and the Janeway we know and love…I'd appreciate it if you could take a second after you read this to tell me how you think I did.

WHAT I KNOW NOW

Dear Miral,

I suppose this is the sort of thing a mother might tell her daughter, but you are the closest thing I have to a daughter (I hardly think I could be more proud of you if you were), so I will pass this on to you in the hopes that you might glean some wisdom from it.

When we returned to Earth, I was so devastated by Chakotay and Seven's developing relationship that I wanted to catch the next ship going to Deep Space Nine and escape to the Gamma Quadrant, never to return. The only thing that kept me from doing so after the debriefings was that my mother and sister had already lost me once. I was heartbroken, because I had loved him. Because I was the captain, I decided that I couldn't get involved with a member of my crew. Chakotay waited for me for a long time, but finally he had to give up. Those first few months after we returned, I thought that if only he had waited another month, we could've been together. In retrospect, I began to realize that his mind had probably given up before his heart. Things often happen that way.

Slowly, I began to see that I could recover from this. I started by getting out of bed in the morning and putting one foot in front of the other. Eventually, I was able to look forward to events again, such as the party we had to celebrate Harry's promotion. It took nearly a year, but suddenly I realized that I hadn't thought about Chakotay in a week. When I thought of him then, the sharp pain inside had turned in to a dull throb, and eventually it would fade. Even when he and Seven parted amicably parted ways, there was never going to be romance between Chakotay and I. The time for that had passed; we had hurt each other too much. 

I learned a lesson I never forgot, and it is this which I hope to pass on to you. When love comes, grab it and don't let go. Love is far to rare and precious to let it slip by. Your parents realized this, Miral, and all the dangers of the Delta Quadrant wouldn't stop them from loving. I took this lesson to heart when I met Steven, and even though he was on the front lines of the Second Dominion War, we got married. I thought about him sometimes, wishing I could be with him instead of Admiral Janeway, head of Starfleet's Interstellar Phenomenon Department, safe behind my desk during the war. Yes, I worried, but I didn't let it stop me this time. Yes, he was a captain and I an admiral, but that didn't stop me either. He came home, and of all the things I've ever done, I am most proud to be his wife and Joe's mother. It was worth the risk. Love is always worth the risk.

Now I am nearing the end of my life, and I see that everything happens for a reason. I never believed in any supreme deities, but now I am not sure. It was terrible to be stuck in the Delta Quadrant, but look at the wonderful results. Oh, not everything was good, but nothing ever is. Still, so much good came out of those seven fateful years. If we hadn't been brought to the Delta Quadrant, you wouldn't exist because your parents wouldn't have met and fallen in love, and that would be a terrible loss to the universe. Kes might never have realized her potential to transcend this existence, Neelix never would have saved the Talaxian colony and fallen in love, the Borg would be stronger, Seven of Nine would never have become an individual; the list goes on and on. These are some of the reasons the _Aeon_ could not let us return to the Alpha Quadrant. Then there are the personal changes, as I have discussed. I wonder sometimes if it was right to change the timeline; if all that happened for a reason as well, despite the fact that we are happier in this timeline, it seems. However, there is nothing I can do now. 

I suppose that in an alternate universe, Captain Janeway and Chakotay did begin a relationship. I wonder if it lasted, but I don't suppose I'll ever know. It doesn't really matter anyway. Chakotay taught me a lesson that lasted.

We've talked many times since, but our relationship is maintained more out of tradition that anything else. I was happy when he married and when his daughter was born, but he and Sandra divorced, and I wonder if he learned the lesson that he taught me. I've never asked him; we are not close enough for that anymore. That is what I regret, the loss of our friendship, but perhaps it was inevitable. 

Soon you will get a copy of my will, and among the items I have left to you is a thin ring. I don't want to be a rambling old lady, but I would like to share with you the story behind this ring. It started out as my grandmother's ring, and when she died she could not decide which of her three daughters to leave it to. So she had the ring, which my grandfather gave her on their fifth wedding anniversary, cut into three even pieces, and each of her daughters received a ring made out of their mother's. My mother cut hers in two, leaving Phoebe and I each half. Steven has no use for it, and his new wife Annie is a wonderful girl, but she doesn't appreciate history much. I think that you will better understand this ring, so I have left it to you. I doubt that it can stand another cutting for Laura and little B'Elanna to share, but all traditions have to end sometime. 

I would end with Q'apla!, but you have already achieved so much that it hardly seems necessary. 

All my love,

Kathryn


End file.
